the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
