Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
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