good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
they're like a gay fantastic four
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
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