Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
