Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
