New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
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