I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
