Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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