An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Randomize
