I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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