My first STD was from a foam party
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
