Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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