can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Dignity is for republicans.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Randomize
