ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
