he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Randomize
