you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
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Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
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I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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