Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
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