There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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