We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I just had sex on a roof
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
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