Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
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