the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
