She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
