thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
