She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
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