my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
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