I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
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I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
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I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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