I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
