My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
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