I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
false alarm. still invincible.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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