By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Randomize
