i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
Randomize
