we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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