sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Randomize
