i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
he told me I talked like a deaf person
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
Randomize
