Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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