I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
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