So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
