Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Randomize
