I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
time to smoke my breakfast
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
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