god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Spring semester is just not the same w/o you
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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