I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
