Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
