She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
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