I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
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