it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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