Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
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