You're a womanizer and a bitch.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
There's always time for handjobs
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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