she kept yelling 'call me bella'
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Randomize
