Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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