i don't like sucking hair
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
