I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
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