your thong is hanging out like whoa
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Randomize
