I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
