There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
