Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
