Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Randomize
