My underwear smells like fireworks.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Randomize
