Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
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