batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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